Be Real, or be Nice? The Power of Truthfulness in Workplace Communication

The foundation of yoga is not the physical practice of asanas that your local gym offers. It is not even the pranayama breathwork. It is, in fact, a set of ethical observances called yamas and niyamas. 

One of these yamas is satya, which is usually relayed in English as truthfulness.

Be honest.

And being honest goes way beyond and much deeper than not lying about stealing from the cookie jar, or not telling your bestie that her new haircut is great when in fact it looks like a paintbrush with a hangover.

"The jewel of Satya, or Truthfulness, isn't safe but it is good" - Deborah Adele

The Yamas & Niyamas: Exploring Yoga's Ethical Practice by Deborah Adele

Truth is Hard

If it was easy, we would not feel so compelled to construct meticulous lies about ourselves.

Wait a second... This does not make sense! Why would we go to such lengths to create complex stories than simply be honest with ourselves?

Because crafting and maintaining an elaborate facade is often still easier than facing truths that are deeply painful, challenge our sense of identity, and require genuine effort to address.

What could this look like in real life? Let’s consider Jane, a team lead at a mid-sized accounting firm.

(What Jane is asked) 'How's work?'

(What Jane says) 'It is fine, all going well'

(What Jane means) 'It pays the bills, it is conveniently located and not too stressful, it makes my dad happy and proud.'

(What Jane is afraid to admit) 'I don't find accounting fulfilling. I wanted to study interior design but my parents pushed me towards studying finance for the sake of a prestigious, well-paid career. It's painful to admit that I allowed others make this decision for me. I was too afraid to stand up for myself and ended up dedicating years to something that doesn’t make me happy. Acknowledging this undermines the image I have of myself as a successful, independent woman. Changing careers now is terrifying not just because this effort would require tremendous time and energy from me and would plunge me into financial insecurity, but I will have to face difficult conversations with my parents, and defend my decision to them, my friends and society at large.'

You see? Telling herself that her job is "nice" is far more convenient than confronting the uncomfortable truths and the real work that comes with being honest with herself.

Be Real, or be Nice?

Once you have begun to understand why you're not always truthful with yourself, and started to unravel the intricate web of self-deception you've spun across various areas of your life, it is time to explore why we are not always truthful to those around us.

Why are we so hesitant to admit a mistake at work? Because we fear losing the trust and respect of our team.

Why do we withhold feedback and hope performance issues resolve themselves? Because telling someone they’re underperforming risks damaging our relationship with them.

At the heart of this lies a simple truth: we want to be liked. The desire to be liked is a fundamental human need, rooted in our evolutionary history, where social belonging was essential for survival. While this desire can motivate positive social interactions and relationships, an excessive drive to be liked can lead to unhealthy behaviors like trying to please everyone, compromising values, and avoiding conflict.

So, how do we strike a balance between being nice and being real?

Radical Candor, a communication framework developed by Kim Scott, encourages individuals to provide direct and specific feedback while also showing genuine care for the person receiving it. It's about balancing kindness with clarity and honesty. The goal is to create a culture where people feel safe challenging others and expressing their honest opinions, leading to better collaboration and results.

The "Radical Candor" communication framework developed by Kim Scott

Obnoxious Aggression, also called brutal honesty or front stabbing, is what happens when you challenge someone directly, but don’t show you care about them personally.

Ruinous Empathy is what happens when you want to spare someone’s short-term feelings, so you don’t tell them something they need to know.

Manipulative Insincerity is praise that is insincere, flattery to a person’s face and harsh criticism behind their back.

Radical Candor happens when you are able to care personally and challenge directly. This is when your truthfulness comes from a place of care and a genuine wish for the other person to succeed.

Source: Radical Candor blog

Truth is Fluid

The appropriate degree of truthfulness depends on the situation.

Reflecting on the Radical Candor framework through the lens of Yogic principles, the jewel of Truthfulness is closely married to Non-Violence. This connection ensures that truth is not wielded as a blunt or harmful instrument, but expressed with compassion and care when a gentler approach is more appropriate.

To practice truthfulness in a non-violent way, we might ask ourselves the following questions in any given situation:

• Is our relationship strong enough to hold this level of honesty?

• Will this truth benefit the other person at this moment?

• What outcome are we hoping to achieve by being honest?

Truth can also shift over time.

The ideals and beliefs that held true in our childhood, might no longer serve us as we evolve into leadership roles. What we believe to be true about ourselves, our mind and body, will gradually shift as we grow older.

“There are truths which belong to the future, truths which belong to the past, and truths which belong to no time.” - Carl Jung

As part of ongoing self-reflection and self-compassion, it’s essential to regularly re-examine our beliefs and assumptions. Are they still valid? Are they helping us grow, or are they holding us back?

The Sanskrit word Satya written in Devanagari script

How to practice satya?

• At the beginning of your yoga practice, take a moment to check in with yourself. Notice what you are bringing onto the mat, both physically and mentally.

• Most yoga poses offer various options, or difficulty levels. Practice truthfulness by choosing the variation that best supports you on that particular day. Avoid pushing yourself into a more advanced option just because the instructor or the person next to you goes for it. Resist rejecting the use of a prop, such as a yoga block or a strap, out of shame or pride. Needing support does not mean you’re less capable; it means you’re listening to what you need to access a pose and fully reap its benefits.

• The truth about your physical and mental state is fluid. It changes over time. Practice honesty with yourself by accepting this as the only permanent truth. The full split that was effortless in my twenties requires more preparation in my forties. A pose that flows easily on an evening hot yoga class will feel more stiff at home on a chilly morning. During a stressful week, staying present on the mat can be a greater challenge, as your thoughts pull you back to unresolved work issues. And that's all okay. Adapt your practice to what serves you best right here, right now.

• Be vigilant for limiting beliefs, such as self-doubts, fear of failure or low self esteem. Thoughts such as "I am not strong enough for this", "I will never be that flexible", " I will surely fall on my face if I atempt that pose", "Everyone must be laughing at me now" can arise during a yoga practice. Take note of them, and investigate them after the practice. Where do they come from? In what other situations do they show up? Are they truly your beliefs, or did they come from your parents, a critical school teacher, or a toxic teenage friendship? Are they actually valid? How can you turn this question around to shape your narrative about yourself in a more positive way?

How will your leadership benefit from the practice of Truthfulness?

• Being honest with yourself about your strength, areas for growth and aspirations becomes your North Star as you consciously build your career path. This will guide your growth and provide fulfillment.

• Inviting and welcoming honest feedback from your colleagues fosters self-awareness and professional growth, allowing you to uncover blind spots you were previously unaware of.

• Providing direct guidance while building trusting relationships with your direct reports will improve the performance of the whole team.

Thank you for reading, and have a wonderful week ahead.

The light in me honours the light in you.

Namaste